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There may not be a bounty larger than Tori Spelling’s trash-yness. But at least you know there’s trash – yes, you read that correctly – a chance for the proverbial slow, painful death. So, at least there’s that, right? So what can happen when you try to bury your head in the trash but you keep finding holes to dig, is what happens, right?
Last week, during an interview for a forthcoming issue of Paper magazine, Spelling claimed that Dean McDermott and his sexual health have been on a downward spiral.
“I have two kids with him, and to have to keep telling them that their father is cheating and he sleeps in another room and his genitals stink – it breaks my heart,” Spelling said. The interview and cover featured in Paper coincide with her announcement in February that she and McDermott are no longer married, although their fourth child will be born via surrogate.
As a member of the fickle public, here’s the thing about trash that seems so incredibly obvious to someone who has raised their kids. You can’t really improve it, because it’s rubbish. And that’s what Spelling did, by all accounts, and I don’t think it makes her any better than her predecessors. That being said, despite the fact that those reality television shows – Goodness gracious, weren’t they that good? – didn’t do a bang-up job of teaching us what reality was, Spelling comes off like the kind of person who knew this trashy thing she was selling was inherently trashy but took advantage of that reality nonetheless. Her bio on the Goody Doll website says things like “Before the world knew her as a Hollywood actress, Tori Spelling was a child model known for her big, curly hair, tanned skin and ability to perfectly twirl with her right arm placed carefully across her chest.” And I’m not sure who really needs more awkward pictures of a girl, a model or a reality TV star.
As if the piles of trash Spelling seemed to enjoy filling her life with weren’t bad enough, Spelling has now decided to start giving away money to charity through charitygiftcoupon.com. One unfortunate beneficiary of this arrangement is Gary Chesnais, who posted the missive, which reads: “As you may or may not know Tori Spelling (@torianddean) is giving away as much as $10,000 a week (delivered in the form of 500 Thousand Alcoholics Anonymous (AA) members, cigarette smokers, workers’ compensation claimants, bipolar patients, ALS patients, faking it addicts, Overeaters Anonymous members, the list goes on.”
Maybe Spelling will write him to say “I was trying to think of a better way to dump on you, Gary”, but here’s the thing: Gary Chesnais gets to have a two-word reply: “Fuck no”. His hand is spared. And if Spelling stops this latest act of helping-out, everyone else will benefit too, as well, but Spelling’s disgusting dump is probably going to go to her real-life ex-husband, and not Gary Chesnais. So, Gary, here’s hoping for a quick resolution, if for no other reason than this entity that Spelling is indulging in is called “Drunk Guy Selling Trash”, and that whole name-thing should probably move on.
The critic Dan Evans suggests repurposing it into “Drunk Guy Offering Holy Shit”: “I’d suggest deleting the awkward hair and twirling and replacing that with the loopiness of using one photo from every girl in 80s TV in a woman’s career as a ranking tool.”
Perhaps Spelling’s best plan of action would be to dust off her copy of Catcher in the Rye, fix herself up, get herself some great Botox and, if possible, convince her husband to watch it, then turn it into something better, again.